Allsummerinadayrevision

Write your revised pieces of the story. Remember, it should be from Margot's POV (1st person)

Yu Teng: I feel like a wisp of a ghost here, withering and waiting for the day the sun will come out. Today would be that glorious day. The scientists has predicted it and they alone know when it will come out, when we will embrace the warmth of the sun once more. I know I must see the sun, or wait for another dreary seven years of rain and discrimination. I know the children loathe me, for my uncertain future. My parents may be bringing me back home to Earth, where I truly belong, in Ohio, with the sun burning and blazing in the sky. It's necessary for them to do so, if they don't want a daughter whose spirit's broken, who has given up whatever she has been left with. But, I know that the children don't have a choice, their rocket parents not wanting to leave. I dare not look in the mirror anymore, because I know I will see paleness. It seems that the pigment in my eyes have been washed out by my crying and that I was a painting who was out in the rain too long. I'm just an old picture from one of those dusty albums I treasure, my only memories of a blurry home. But, I remember the sun, to me as clear as how it was when I was four. It was a fire in the stove, but round like a penny. Its warm sun rays caressed you, bathed you in everlasting light. However, that was then. The rain is always outside, stormy. I, like the children, dream of a day with no rain, but I wake up to the drumming of the rain everyday. I must, I stress this, I must be there to enjoy the rays of the sun. "Hey, Margot, why are you here? It isn't as if you are going to see anything!" William said to me. The children swarmed over me, pushing me to the depths of a dark closet. I pleaded, begged, screamed, cried, but nothing would stop them. They walked off, as I could see from the little crack, and told the teacher everyone was here. Suddenly, there was silence. No tatting drum, no raindrops on the window. I peered through the crack and for the first time in my life, so the landscape of Venus. It was a jungle that looked like me. It seemed all its colour had been washed off and was a pale white. However, the sun made up for its apparent loss of colour. The orangey- yellow ball and a blazing blue tile behind it seemed to beckon me to come. I stretched out my arms, but, as expected, I could not feel the sun burning me. I watched the children, like the lambs of old, frolick on the jungle mattress. They played tag, hide- and- seek and jump around. I could not help but feel that tinge of jealousy as I imagined them breathing the fresh air and holding the arms out to that gold coin. I watched the first raindrop fall onto the outstretched hands of one of the girls. Tears rolled down my cold cheeks, realising that this was the start of seven years of rain again. I watched the children run back to the safety of the city, never to go out again for seven long years of awaiting. I had missed my chance. I dare not watch anymore, for the fear that loud, heart- wrenching sobs would take over me. But, I heard the muttered whispering of the children. They had just remembered me. I heard their slow, guilty footsteps and soon, their shadows loomed over the closet. I heard the latch of the closet opening, slowly, with that same kind of heavy guilt. I walked out of the cupboard, paler than before. I wanted to scream and rant at them. But, just then, as I watched their apologetic expressions, and as each child said "Sorry", my heart cracked open. I realised that they were not at fault, but it was I who had ignored them to stand alone. It was my fault. I had to change and I could not be waiting and slowly dying for something that I would still see. The sun would be there in seven years. I just had to count off the days. I could even go to the sun lamps sometimes instead of moping around. I had given myself up already, but now was the time to pick up the pieces.

Mr.Grosse said to revise this text, not write our own, or are we??? Isaac_Yong

'I guess revising the text would mean to rethink the content of it and to edit or rewrite it.' Jek Kee Cass: YT, Margot should be 9, and she is supposed to have such a wide vocabulary? Doesn't seem appropriate.

By Hazel Tan William and the others pushed me into the cupboard. I struggled and kicked, but it was no use; they had locked the door. I could see them through a small crack in the middle of the closet, watching me as I kicked and threw myself against the door. I cried and cried, but no one seemed to take notice. I could see their faces, smiling like they were pleased I was gone. They turned around and just left me, unable to see the sun, unable to feel the warmth of the rays that was once felt. I gave up.

Just then I heard the rain stop. The place was quiet for once, but the silence was stiffling. I saw the children put their hands to their ears, as I did. I saw the door slide back, and the children staring out. The sun came out.

My eyes widened, as I watched the flaming bronze orb floating up in the sky. Memories came flashing back, everything seems the same, but I just couldn’t get the grasp of it. I hate this stupid planet.

The sky around the flaming orb was a blazing blue. The jungle burned with the bright sunlight as the children was released from their spell. Everybody rushed out, yelling into the summer time, everybody except for me. I was the only one left, still trapped inside the spell which was once cursed on everyone on Venus, now the spell has let all the prisoners free but it choose to not me but let my own race lock me inside a closet, just because I had once seen the sun before.

What did I do to deserve this? Doesn’t anyone care about me?

It hurt me to hear the children's whoops of joy. I wanted to feel the Sun's warm rays, see the bright rays of light. I heard the children's happy shouts, their joyful screams.They were able to feel the Sun, to enjoy it. And yet I was locked up here, like a prisoner in war. They didn't care about me at all.

Sitting inside the closet I lost all my energy and hope. Time flew by really slowly. Suddenly I heard a faint wail from one of the children, I stood up, trying to see what is happening. Peeking through the gap of the closet door, I could see all the children gathering around in a circle. I knew what was going on. Another 7 years before a day like this would ever happen again. I could see the children walk back slowly and sadly. Would they forget about me?

Watching them coming back all saddened, and their smiles vanishing I felt sorry for them. Was it wrong? Shouldn’t I feel happy? Why was I feeling sorry for them? It was them who made me suffer and they are getting back what they deserve. A boom of thunder startled the children and me. Lightning stuck 10 miles away, 5 miles away, a mile, half a mile. It would be another 7 long years, 7 long years which I had to live through without the Sun. I so wanted to slap them each in the face for making me suffer. I wanted to go home, where I can have the sun all to myself everyday, leaving them behind waiting for 7 years to see the sun only for an hour.

It took them a while to remember about me. The door opened, and I looked at their faces, full of remorse and guilt. It was too much, and I readily forgave them.

Melissa: Before I realised what was happening, I was pushed, kicking and squirming, into the dank and gloomy closet. I rammed myself against the door time and again, hoping that the locked door would miraculously burst open and let me out. Through a small crack, I could see their faces, smiling in silent satisfaction and glee. At that moment, I wanted more than anything in the world to strangle them all, starting with William. I clenched my fists, white and shaking with anger that boiled deep within my being. Then, they walked away to wait for the sun, just like that, leaving me by myself to begin another series of attempts to break down the door. My bones creaked from hitting against the door so much. I gave up.

Just then I heard the rain stop. The place was quiet for once, but the silence was stifling. The siIence was definitely not golden. I saw the children put their hands to their ears, as I did. I saw the door slide back, and the children peering out.

The sun came out.

My eyes widened, as I watched the flaming bronze orb floating up in the sky. Memories came flashing back, everything seems the same, but I just couldn’t get the grasp of it, having not been on earth for some time already.

I hate this stupid planet. I hate everything about it, from its name to the everlasting rain. I hate everyone living on it.

Squinting once more through my tiny window, I saw that the sky around the flaming orb was a blazing blue. The jungle burned with the bright sunlight as the children was released from their spell. The children rushed out, yelling and running about as though insane. I, however, was still trapped within the nightmare. Everyone else had broken free of the spell.

Except for me.

Why me? What did I do to deserve this?

It hurt me to hear the children's whoops of joy. I wanted to feel the Sun's warm rays, see the bright rays of light. 'It's not fair!' I wanted to scream. I heard the children's happy shouts, their joyful screams.They were able to feel the Sun, to enjoy it. And yet I was locked up here, like a prisoner in war. They didn't care about me at all. No one cared.

Sitting inside the closet I lost all my energy and hope of seeing the sun. Time crawled by. Suddenly I heard a faint wail from one of the children. I tried to imagine what was happening. An accident would be best. Serve them right for leaving me in this dratted place. I stood up, curious, wanting to see what misfortune had befallen them. Peeking through the gap of the closet door, I could see all the children gathering around in a circle. I understood. Another 7 years before a day like this would ever happen again. I could see the children turn, and walk back slowly and sadly. Would they forget about me?

Watching them coming back all saddened, and their smiles vanishing I began to feel sorry for them. Was it wrong? Shouldn’t I feel happy? Why was I feeling sorry for them? It was them who made me suffer and they are getting back what they deserve. I was the one who didn't even get to feel the sun, not them. They had enjoyed themselves while I was stuck in a tiny closet, with hardly any air to breathe. A boom of thunder startled me out of my thoughts. Lightning stuck 10 miles away, 5 miles away, a mile, half a mile. It would be another 7 long years, 7 long years which I had to live through without the Sun. 7 long years with which I had to live with the other children. 7 long years through which I had to endure torture.

I wanted so much to slap them each in the face for making me suffer. I wanted to go home, where I could have the sun all to myself everyday, to feel those glorious rays anytime I wanted, leaving them behind waiting for 7 years to see the sun only for an hour.

It took them a while to remember about me. The door opened, and I looked at their faces, full of remorse and guilt. It was too much for me, and all thoughts of revenge faded from my mind as I forgave them all. I stepped out.